He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
