you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
