How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize