I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
