I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
