ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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