I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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