She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
