Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
