Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
