i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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