I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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