I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
