My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize