Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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