I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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