I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
