I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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