I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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