i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She even gives head with a lisp.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
