The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
