god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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