Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
