Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
