i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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