He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
