there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
