there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
did i walk over a car last night?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
