I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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