how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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