You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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