i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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