nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize