Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
