planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
