see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize