Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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