"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
