fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
