Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Buhtt sex?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
