we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
