You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
