ADVERTISEMENT

• (760): View more from California

  Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that

  Fav 75 1261 6083

  share tweet
  

• (630): View more from Illinois

  You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

  Fav 16 1328 4365

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (708): View more from Illinois

  Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?

  Fav 10 4794 1431

  share tweet
  

• (312): View more from Illinois

  I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird

  Fav 3 1617 815

  share tweet
  

• (914): View more from New York

  He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro

  Fav 5 1435 598

  share tweet
  

• (908): View more from New Jersey

  Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.

  Fav 6 972 615

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."

  Fav 0 1002 583

  share tweet
  

• (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.

  Fav 3 475 612

  share tweet
  

• (240): View more from Maryland

  I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.

  Fav 4 196 303

  share tweet
  

• (270): View more from Kentucky

  If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid

  Fav 0 23 36

  share tweet
  

• (805): View more from California

  I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️

  Fav 0 38 20

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30

  Fav 2 37 108

  share tweet
  

• (455): View more from

  You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop

  Fav 0 34 13

  share tweet
  

• (862): View more from New Jersey

  What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?

  Fav 0 13 46

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (404): View more from Georgia

  He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.

  Fav 0 24 49

  share tweet
  

Randomize