so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
