So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
