This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
