I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
