God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
you had me at cake vodka
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize