6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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