u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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