First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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