I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I want you more than these girls want KFC
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
