xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
