Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
