this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
