why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
