Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
