You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
